The mirror our kids look in…
How our kids see themselves has a huge impact on the decisions they make. Let me tell you a story.
Few days ago I was waiting for my wife (seldom happens) in a waiting room when a young mother and her daughter – whom I’d guess to be about four – came in and sat near me. Pleasant lady. Pretty little girl…let’s call her Charlotte.
For maybe ten minutes Charlotte sat quietly on her mother’s lap. Then the receptionist appeared and needed some information. Before she walked away she spoke to the little girl – who didn’t respond. But the mother did. She looked at her daughter and said, “She is lazy and spoiled rotten.” That’s what she said; I wrote it down.
Even though I felt like it, I said nothing. I have to admit, I was thinking: “Lazy? At four? Come on, Mom, give her a break.
Spoiled rotten? How do kids get “spoiled?”
The thing that troubled me, though, was that this little kindergartner was old enough and smart enough to understand what her mother was saying. And since the words came from her mother, she’ll likely believe them. So what is Charlotte learning to think about herself and how the other important people in her life feel about her? That’s the mirror our kids look in.
Now, I said nothing. Should I have? If so, what? Would you have said something? Let’s get creative here and see if next time we meet a Charlotte we can help her, even if just a little. Do you have a Charlotte?
I’ve faced this situation several times myself, and my heart always aches for the child. I’ve tried confronting the verbally abusive parent in an adult, respectful way, but it always turns out a negative confrontation on his or her part.
A few years ago, I asked a friend of mine who is a family counselor and child specialist what should be done in these cases. Her answer surprised me: “Don’t criticize the parent’s behavior,” she said, “but complement them on their child.” She encouraged me to say something positive like, “What an adorable baby,” or “Your little boy may be full of energy but I bet he’s great at sports,” or “Your daughter’s beautiful smile reminds me of when my child was young.”
Well, I’ve tried this, and it works every time. Somehow, through these compliments, parents are able to see their child through the eyes of another and can then appreciate rather than demean their child.
Give it a try and see if it works for you!
Comment by Nancy Canwell — July 15, 2008 @ 7:18 pm
We’ll read about little Charlotte again when she’s 15. She will have beat up her parents, or worse, and ran away from home. Every one will say, I wonder what prompted that.
Comment by Norman — August 1, 2008 @ 11:50 am
Appreciate the discussion regarding “The mirror our kids look in…”
How, as a grandparent, can I help my adult children recognize how frightening and damaging the tone and decimal level of their voices can be when disciplining their 5 1/2 year old daughter. Two weeks into her kindergarten experience she is afraid to go to school because she thinks mommy and daddy are ‘mad’ at her and won’t pick her up after school. Won’t this child either obey or disobey out of fear, not respect or love?
Comment by Ann S — September 9, 2008 @ 11:43 am
Maybe you should have them read the article on this web sight titled Respect and Pickles. It is the best one I read. Norm
Comment by Norman — September 15, 2008 @ 12:33 pm